Looking onto myself I see some reactions I don’t recognize, some behavioral patterns that aren’t exactly mine. Even my reasoning’s sometimes wrong, thinking about someone in ways I never thought I’d care about. And well, it’s not really me that’s reacting like that. It’s fragments of a long departed her, antibodies my mind has made to counter the ways in which my psyche felt it was vulnerable the last time.
I’ll call it debris but it’s more than that. I’ll call it debris because thinking about the past brings nothing when you’re confronted with the present. And being nostalgic is a feeling I detest, for it reminds me that once it had been better than right now, and I don’t believe that to be true. The present is all that matters and from that point of view the past can only be a deterrent, a force to keep you back from what you should be doing.
So, emotional debris, what is it really? I’ve defined it until now as your body’s natural reaction (for we have so many mechanisms in place to protect our fragile minds) to stimuli that have caused less than optimal solutions. But then again, the debris exists for the good parts almost in equal part as for the nasty ones. And this influences reason too; not only am I concerned about not being hurt again, I’m also pretty damn interested in how I can get that amazingness back. How I can enjoy the simple things in life without any remorse and without thinking about time or worries or the big picture.
Would I be better off without it? Absolutely. What do I stand to lose? A bunch of painful memories curled up into a bowl of happiness that in the end dwarfs them. I’d give them all up if I could because now all they do is stand testament to all the things I’m without. Before it I knew only of my limited joys and they were enough, but now I need more, now I want more and that is problematic. Everyone knows the key to happiness in life is loving what you have and wishing for nothing more. It’s of course an amusing idea as human nature would never let you (and even setting that aside we’ve grown up into a culture of wants and needs that must not be ignored) settle for anything less than everything, at least not in your mind.
So what’s to be done of this irremovable debris? Pointlessly attempt to pretend it’s not a part of you until you start forgetting about other parts of you? Or is it perhaps better to embrace it, savor the memories and consider it you? Far from me to be able to decide but my opinion is neither. Don’t push them apart but don’t let them in too much, because they’re not all what they seem. Just have the faith other people can see the true you, appreciate it, and help you wash this debris with a new wave of love.
And that, my friends, is what I think. I really feel sorry the web is made out of 99% passive consumers of content because I’d really like to have some conversations on things like these, because they’re things I don’t really understand on my own.
Enjoy your debris my friends and find it a place that’s neither too close nor too far from your hearts.
